Dancing in the Mire of Destiny: I am the Beauty not the Beast

At eleven o'clock at night, the small ballroom was teeming with ecstatic people. Liu Peilin, 65, donned a pink dress adorned with feathers sewn into the skirt. She was so engrossed in the lively atmosphere that she failed to hear the host calling her to the stage. Not knowing how to pose, she swayed and flailed her arms like the dancing girls she had seen on TV.

After receiving a special award for her contributions to the transgender community, Liu returned to her hotel room alone. She struggled several times to unlock the door, leaving a trail of scattered feathers on the floor. In the dim light of a lone bedside lamp, she removed her makeup and began to write in her journal.

“I have been on this path for 28 years. I am not a ghost; I am a living, breathing human being”.

Liu Peilin, a transgender woman, was born in Qingdao, Shandong Province. From the age of nine, she had been aware that her soul was trapped in the wrong body, and so she began to document her feelings in diaries. Over time, she has filled over 400 books with her experiences, including her short-lived marriage, the struggles of paying off her mother's medical expenses, her strained relationship with her brothers, and her unexpected “hit”.

Prior to the wave of layoffs in China during the 1990s, Liu had a stable job at a garment factory. However, with the introduction of economic reforms by China's state-owned enterprises, Liu, like millions of other workers, lost her livelihood overnight. After struggling with various jobs, none of which worked out, Liu eventually resorted to collecting garbage and living under a bridge. However, one summer day in 2000, she stumbled upon a white dress on a garbage heap. The next morning, Liu carried the dress out onto the deserted street. From that moment on, she began to actively search for discarded women's clothing.

Liu expressed, “At that moment, my only desire was to leave the past behind and begin anew. I felt as though my former self had perished, and I wondered why I couldn't start afresh. Perhaps it was inevitable, perhaps I had 'lost my way'. But it came at a sorrowful cost.”

In 2012, a local television crew in Qingdao was covering a burning building on Weixian Road when Liu unexpectedly rushed into the frame. With long hair and heavy makeup, she explained to the camera that the fire was not caused by her cooking. This video went viral, with over a thousand reposts as people were curious about the man dressed as a woman. Fast forward to 2019, with the help of conceptual artist Tang Guanhua and a team of volunteers, Liu's diary was compiled and published in a book titled "This is My Life," bringing her story to a wider audience. As a result, she began receiving invitations to events for the transgender community, including the ballroom scene.

On 27 March 2021, the first large-scale voguing ball Feather n Fur Voguing Ball was held in Beijing. Presented by The House of Kawakubo and the Genderqueer DJ Organization Equalizer, it attracted hundreds of LGBT Chinese to gather together and celebrate their identities.

“Ballroom culture is a safe and inclusive space for marginalized communities to express themselves freely and authentically,” explained Oops2, a 32-year-old transgender DJ from Beijing and member of Equalizer, “It is a culture that exists for the sake of the community”.

The ballroom scene was founded in the 1980s by Black and Latino gay and transgender individuals in New York City's Harlem neighborhood, who faced numerous forms of discrimination and violence. Balls provide an outlet for sexual minorities to showcase their beauty, modeling, and dance skills, and to celebrate their multifaceted identities.

In the 80s, drag performer Paris Dupree revolutionized the ball scene by imitating the postures of models in fashion magazines like Vogue, transforming them into fluid dance movements that synced with the music. This marked the birth of voguing as a dance genre.

Yayo AisinGioro, a transgender woman who discovered voguing in 2019 and won The Prize of Femme Queen Realness at the Feather n Fur Voguing Ball, described it as a hidden gem that had been buried in dust for far too long. Femme Queen Realness is a category that allows transgender women to showcase their feminine charm and compete for recognition.

In contrast to the groups of individuals and circles of friends who attended balls, houses emerged as a refuge for teenagers who found themselves homeless or living with families who couldn't accept their lifestyle choices. These houses were named after the groups that formed within them and worked together to gain recognition in the ballroom scene. The House of Kawakubo was the first house to originate in mainland China and was founded by Ukrainian dancer Irina Bashuk and her voguing students.

According to Shirley Zhou, the mother of The House of Kawakubo and founder of Voguing Shanghai, "house stands for growth, camaraderie, and responsibility. We share a love for ballroom culture and have been through a lot together, which has made us appreciate each other." Shirley learned voguing from Irina in 2016 and continues to promote it. She currently has around 100 students, primarily cisgender women, followed by gay men and transgender women.

“The inclusive nature of ballroom culture has also planted the seeds of feminism and inspired the cisgender women to find out more possibilities of themselves, ” Zhou added.

Based on the 2017 Chinese Transgender Population General Survey Report conducted by Beijing LGBT Center and the sociology department of Peking University, it was found that transgender women are the most vulnerable to mental health issues within the transgender community. Additionally, the report indicated that older transgender individuals reported higher incidents of serious violence intended to humiliate them.

On June 26, three months after the ball, Liu was viciously attacked by a stranger residing on the 8th floor of her building. The perpetrator splashed dirty water on her and blocked her path at the doorway before pushing her down the stone steps at the curb. As a result of the assault, Liu suffered head trauma and a back injury, which led to her taking over a month off from work. Following her recovery, she decided to adopt a stray dog as her companion.

“ I am proud to be a woman, even if society does not recognize me, ” Liu said, “But the reality is I dare not say what women dare to say, and I must do what women should do in secret.”

It is worth noting that the latest edition of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) has reclassified gender incongruence from the “Mental and behavioral disorders” chapter to the new “Conditions related to sexual health” chapter. This change reflects the growing understanding that being transgender or gender diverse is not a mental illness.

Oops2, who previously avoided discussing her gender identity and sexual orientation, has recently updated her social media profiles to include her identity as a transgender individual. She has expressed that she has learned to reject societal labels and embrace her true gender identity.

"It's true that people are often labeled, but I don't necessarily see it as a negative thing," she shared. "Labels can help me find others who share similar experiences and identities, and it can also make it easier for others to understand me and my needs without having to constantly explain myself."

Despite this, she emphasizes the unity within her transgender community, regardless of their individual lifestyles. Moving forward, she hopes that the ballroom scene will be grounded in authenticity and led by grassroots partners, with society recognizing the community as valuable rather than just a passing cultural trend.

As Liu looked back on the ball, she recited a line from Cao Xueqin's Dream of the Red Chamber: "When you have sung your part, I'll take over the stage." To her, this line not only represented the shift of power in the political sphere but also aptly described her own life.

"My life is like a muddy river, and I simply go where fate takes me. I feel as though I've lived multiple lives and gained a wealth of experience. However, I don't believe young people should learn from me. Instead, you should take control of your own lives," Liu chuckled.

With those words, it seemed as though she was bidding a sincere farewell to her audience from a stage.